Tending to the Self

The surface of our lives is filled with schedules, jobs, relationships, money, habits, to-do lists, dishes to be washed, laundry to be folded, recreation—the daily tasks that consume much of our attention. These things are important. Money keeps the lights on. Healthy food keeps the body functioning well. Bedtime allows for rest before school and work. Mowing the lawn keeps the neighbors from gossiping too much. Each aspect of our "surface life" requires tending. Sometimes, managing all these tasks feels like spinning plates—one begins to wobble, we reach to steady it, and another starts to falter. And so, the cycle continues.

At times, this surface life demands our focus. Our bills are overdue, requiring us to reevaluate our spending habits. Relationships become strained, calling us to develop better communication skills. We consider a career change or prepare for retirement, needing to discuss the accompanying lifestyle adjustments. Destructive habits may be harming both ourselves and others.

Beneath the surface, deeper currents shape our lives. We may be stepping into adulthood, graduating from college, falling in love, or enduring heartbreak. We may face mortality through our own or a loved one’s illness or aging. Perhaps we have been betrayed—or have betrayed another. Maybe we have discovered our true calling, our purpose in life. We might be embracing parenthood for the first time, entering middle age and questioning life’s meaning, or stepping into the role of a wise elder, reflecting on a lifetime of experiences.

At certain moments, we are called to explore these deeper currents and look within. The depths of our inner world can be profoundly beautiful or terrifyingly dark. We may encounter old wounds, repressed memories, and nightmares, or rediscover playfulness, long-forgotten dreams, and creativity. It is essential to make space for these deep movements within us.

We are both the shallow and the deep, the outer and the inner. This is our home. Like any home, we require maintenance and care. An ignored foundation can crack and grow mold-ridden, with termite-infested floor joists. A neglected roof will eventually leak. The living space within will quickly become cluttered and dust-covered without proper upkeep.

Caring for the self means tending to the many layers within and without. The question is: Who am I in relation to these many realms? How do I engage with these aspects of myself? Through ignorance? Enmeshment? Love? Repression? Resistance? Avoidance? Am I at war with myself? Do I feel fragmented? Does my home feel as if a tornado has torn it from its foundation?

The first step toward change is awareness—awareness that something is broken or out of balance and needs attention. A deeper relationship with ourselves is required to determine what is needed. By looking, listening, and feeling inward, we can learn what action to take next—sometimes internal, sometimes external, sometimes both.

When life feels out of balance, broken, shattered, or simply overwhelming, it can be difficult—or even impossible—to navigate alone. These are the times we need a witness, a trusted confidant, a guide, or a cheerleader. A trained therapist can be all of these, walking with us as we rise from the rubble and consciously rebuild our home.

Like a home, the self can be maintained, remodeled, or entirely rebuilt. We humans are resilient. At times, it may seem as though we are living in a hopeless shack. But with the right guidance, dedicated work, and perseverance, we can transform that shack into the home of our dreams.

The Trouble Tree app is a tool to help identify issues and work towards growth – whether the issues the inner or the outer.  Addressing our troubles in a constructive, healing way is tending to the Self.

Written by Jason Kniola, LMHC, LCAC 

Licensed Mental Health Counselor